I have so much to say for 2012.
As I look back, it had been one of the best year I have ever had. I had gone through a lot of moral transformation. There were so many events that taught me of how to be a full grown gentleman. I learned of patience; determination, focus, and hardwork; of love, loyalty, friendship. I found my true passion in 2012. I had made my decisions for my future. I found the true meaning of loving, and to be loved by so many people around me. In the end of the year, finally, God -- in His mysterious, illogical way of work -- remind me one single thing: that my family is the most precious thing I could ever ask for.
***
I became the chief director of school drama, Antigone. Talking about the performance would need more than just a post as this is the most important performance I have ever had. It summed up all the knowledge that I have learned for years in Jubah Macan theatre. Personally, without trying to put my friends' hardwork in vain, I finally got a chance to prove myself and to present my artistic visions, as more of an artist and less as a high school student.
More than that, the process of Antigone helped to found my true friends. My yearmates, the Padmanaba 68, and junios, the Padmanaba 69, had given me so much support, love, and even loyalty more than I could ever imagined. I would never made it without their help. There were so much love that them guys gave to me, even though I am a demanding person; and when my juniors called me 'Father' as an honourable nickname... I almost teared. I could not tell you, too, how it felt when the show was over and I looked at my yearmates' faces. It was our last show; a sad fact that probably most of us would never joined any show again in the future. Risa, who had been my working partner since we joined the theatre, hugged me in tears. I was, too, and we all were, as we were brokenhearted; yet relieved that finally, our last performance was done well.
It is not in my rights to give the final judgement. But without decreasing our respect to the audience; at the time, compliments nor critics didn't matter anymore. In the end, it was our show. I am totally blessed to be a part of it and to be given a chance to be its director.
At the end of the performance, joined the crowd of crews and casts
***
I became the class chief of my school's orientation for freshmen. It such an honour to be accepted as the committee; I think the best part is that I could know my juniors more, Padmanaba 69, and the new Padmanaba 70. I also joined a kind of pageant contest, here I will not talk about it.
The thing is, these things are almost a test for me. Being suddenly known by many people gave that certain stress, probably regarding my position which pressured to be good and all. I constantly felt that everyone put their eyes on me. For that, I have to keep behaving well and controlled. It was difficult as I always been an impulsive and spontaneous person. I never really cared of people's reaction to me; but then, I have stay cool everytime.
It was like, Gosh, now I know what Lindsay Lohan feels. I would not give any name for this phenomenon as I do not like any popular for this. But truly, to be on the map is a damn tough deal. Popularity, fame, celebrity, whatever you called it -- takes a lot to sacrifice and mostly, you will not like it. Being perfect everyday is exhausting as sometimes you just want to lose your head Honestly, perfection is my obsession; but pressured to be perfect is a whole different thing.
Even until this very second, I still feel that pressure. It doesn't mean that I don't like the deal of being able to know a lot of people. But a test has to be done and I will do the deed. For good or for worst, I am totally grateful to God that he let me know the complexity of being known, so I can cope better in the coming years. At least, I understand -- and thank God I finally understand -- that shallow popularity is not a good thing; and that I will never ever chase any of it in the future.
***
And... I had an accident in late November.
I will not tell you about the accident as that is a kind of private story of mine and not for public. But I will tell you its effects. When I was in the hospital and my parents came... Surely it reminded me something that I had forgotten.
My relationship with my parents was very complicated in lately. High school taught me of freedom and independence: two concepts that I never really understand before. I have always been a spoiled brat. I lives such a comfortable life: my family never moved from our house even since I was born; my parents taught me well that so far I studied in one of the best schools in our town; and they take care of me well, very well, that they always have time to send me my lunch every school break, until today.
The sole reason of why my parents do that for me was because they loved me. But I must admit this, that sometimes I misunderstand their intentions and thus saw many of their actions as 'over-protecting'. When I was in the tenth and eleventh grade, I saw my friends seemed to be much more independent than I do. They drive themselves to the school, they join extracurricular things until late at night... Seemed to me that they were free.
Then, I rebelled. I struggled for myself. Trying to be objective in this case, I earned many good things for the struggle. My parents gave me my rights to decide my own life: they allowed me to take the Social subject in the eleventh grade, becoming the director of Antigone, to drive by myself, to come home late... I have my freedom. A pure, limitless freedom, where my parents let me do things that I want and not just thing that I have to do.
But I have to say that it also has a negative side. My relationship with my parents were strained. We had so many arguments about so many things. Yes, they said nothing and let me free; but sometimes, it was not because they agree with me; it was because they can do nothing. I have grown and they understand my needs as a teenager. But mostly they did not agree and I struggled... And we argued, too often, that silently, we both realized that I slowly parting away from them, and though it hurts a lot, none of us did anything because we thought it was how things should have happened...
Then I had an accident, and it was when I saw my parents came to the hospital, that I felt like God slapped me right in my face. I had an argument with my parents before the accident, but still, they came to me. I knew right away that it was because they loves me. I am their son and I always will be. No matter what things that I had done, they will always love, like they have done for eighteen years and they will still do until their death.
That night, God reminded me of how bad I had been as a son. God knows, we all knows, that it was for good; but yes, it costs something, and He made the accident to stop me taking more than what my parents and I have.
Since then, I tried to change. I try to love my family more... Love them better. I am not telling you how because it is not something that you can tell about; is not something you can describe with words... My parents had given me my freedom, my independence; it is the time to pay back with responsibility. I do not regret any struggle that I did; it was necessary for a boy like me. But to other teenagers, who is also struggling for their independence from their parents, please remember one thing: that one day, when you have achieved you independence, you have to prove that you deserve that and show your responsibility by loving them back, because they will always do.
***
As I looked back, many other events had happened in 2012, but maybe those three are what I will recount in my grey days. Being an eighteen years old boy is tougher than I ever thought as it is the time that people will start looking at you as a grown up. I am reading Les Miserablés currently and -- along with the events I had gone through -- made me come to an understanding. I am not a boy anymore; I am a young man, taking my first steps for my older days. Every step have to be calculated well as it will affect more people. A fault and your future crumbles; a wise decision and the ladder goes higher.
I can only hope for 2013 to be wiser and better; to make less bad effects and create more good outcomes. May God be with me, and with us, in leading our actions to good.
The thing is, these things are almost a test for me. Being suddenly known by many people gave that certain stress, probably regarding my position which pressured to be good and all. I constantly felt that everyone put their eyes on me. For that, I have to keep behaving well and controlled. It was difficult as I always been an impulsive and spontaneous person. I never really cared of people's reaction to me; but then, I have stay cool everytime.
It was like, Gosh, now I know what Lindsay Lohan feels. I would not give any name for this phenomenon as I do not like any popular for this. But truly, to be on the map is a damn tough deal. Popularity, fame, celebrity, whatever you called it -- takes a lot to sacrifice and mostly, you will not like it. Being perfect everyday is exhausting as sometimes you just want to lose your head Honestly, perfection is my obsession; but pressured to be perfect is a whole different thing.
Even until this very second, I still feel that pressure. It doesn't mean that I don't like the deal of being able to know a lot of people. But a test has to be done and I will do the deed. For good or for worst, I am totally grateful to God that he let me know the complexity of being known, so I can cope better in the coming years. At least, I understand -- and thank God I finally understand -- that shallow popularity is not a good thing; and that I will never ever chase any of it in the future.
***
And... I had an accident in late November.
I will not tell you about the accident as that is a kind of private story of mine and not for public. But I will tell you its effects. When I was in the hospital and my parents came... Surely it reminded me something that I had forgotten.
My relationship with my parents was very complicated in lately. High school taught me of freedom and independence: two concepts that I never really understand before. I have always been a spoiled brat. I lives such a comfortable life: my family never moved from our house even since I was born; my parents taught me well that so far I studied in one of the best schools in our town; and they take care of me well, very well, that they always have time to send me my lunch every school break, until today.
The sole reason of why my parents do that for me was because they loved me. But I must admit this, that sometimes I misunderstand their intentions and thus saw many of their actions as 'over-protecting'. When I was in the tenth and eleventh grade, I saw my friends seemed to be much more independent than I do. They drive themselves to the school, they join extracurricular things until late at night... Seemed to me that they were free.
Then, I rebelled. I struggled for myself. Trying to be objective in this case, I earned many good things for the struggle. My parents gave me my rights to decide my own life: they allowed me to take the Social subject in the eleventh grade, becoming the director of Antigone, to drive by myself, to come home late... I have my freedom. A pure, limitless freedom, where my parents let me do things that I want and not just thing that I have to do.
But I have to say that it also has a negative side. My relationship with my parents were strained. We had so many arguments about so many things. Yes, they said nothing and let me free; but sometimes, it was not because they agree with me; it was because they can do nothing. I have grown and they understand my needs as a teenager. But mostly they did not agree and I struggled... And we argued, too often, that silently, we both realized that I slowly parting away from them, and though it hurts a lot, none of us did anything because we thought it was how things should have happened...
Then I had an accident, and it was when I saw my parents came to the hospital, that I felt like God slapped me right in my face. I had an argument with my parents before the accident, but still, they came to me. I knew right away that it was because they loves me. I am their son and I always will be. No matter what things that I had done, they will always love, like they have done for eighteen years and they will still do until their death.
That night, God reminded me of how bad I had been as a son. God knows, we all knows, that it was for good; but yes, it costs something, and He made the accident to stop me taking more than what my parents and I have.
Since then, I tried to change. I try to love my family more... Love them better. I am not telling you how because it is not something that you can tell about; is not something you can describe with words... My parents had given me my freedom, my independence; it is the time to pay back with responsibility. I do not regret any struggle that I did; it was necessary for a boy like me. But to other teenagers, who is also struggling for their independence from their parents, please remember one thing: that one day, when you have achieved you independence, you have to prove that you deserve that and show your responsibility by loving them back, because they will always do.
***
As I looked back, many other events had happened in 2012, but maybe those three are what I will recount in my grey days. Being an eighteen years old boy is tougher than I ever thought as it is the time that people will start looking at you as a grown up. I am reading Les Miserablés currently and -- along with the events I had gone through -- made me come to an understanding. I am not a boy anymore; I am a young man, taking my first steps for my older days. Every step have to be calculated well as it will affect more people. A fault and your future crumbles; a wise decision and the ladder goes higher.
I can only hope for 2013 to be wiser and better; to make less bad effects and create more good outcomes. May God be with me, and with us, in leading our actions to good.
Family Portrait | Taken September 2012
