I made this post more to remind myself.
Things had been changed in late 6 months. Senior highschool shows me how the real life was and it give a real great cultureshock. I was destroyed to my essence, I was crushed to my bones. My pride, my confidence, my fortress and walls; they were crumbling down. All happened when I realized that I am a creature of no good. I am a trash; I am a wimp; I am nothing. No matter how I looked like, no matter how people see me, I am no more than a useless person—a dust.
I do not even know, is this because I know myself way too good, or instead, because I do not know who I am?
And should I tell you about how lonely I am now? I lost my bestfriends physically. Though they are trying as best as they can to keep being with me, they are not close anymore; they are afar, physically. I can not lie to myself that that was hard. I does not mean that I do not have any friend right now; I have a lot of them. But, still, that special bond that I used to share with my bestfriends; these new friends did not have it. I do not have any place to run to; or maybe I could. But I can not stop my eyes from seeing these people's flaws. Somehow, I have forgotten the way to see their lights and keep being blinded by their shadows.
Even I have lost my luck in love. I am not saying that I always lucky in that kind of thing; but it turns to be even more difficult than before. I feel hollow, so dull, and it was because my heart being tormented and tortured so often until it lost its ability to feel. You do not know how hard this was for me, to walk through this feet-burning desert, alone; nobody knows this, nobody understands; and nobody will. I am not expecting them to.
Is it hard for me? Yes, it is hard. Can't you see how I am aching right now, how suffering I am? Days to days I cried silently, deep down inside the most secret shrine of my heart. For whom I cried? For anything. To whom I yelled? To anything. Humans, nature, plants, God. But why didn't I fight for myself, why didn't I show them my pride?
Because, maybe this is the best thing that could have happen—to be alone. I found the solitudity I need to reorganize myself; and I am not burdening those people I love. Yes, I choose sacrifice; yes, I choose martyrdom.
Yes, this blogpost is a bullshit, especially regarding the fact that the original one had been erased by this Compaq's Microsoft Word 2007's stupidity. But still, I need this to remember one thing true that I found.
That I used to be a bitch. I used to stand up tall, with my head held high and eye beaming confidence more than anybody else. I used to be strong and shiny, with my feet walk on this earth like the world is no more than a single red-carpet made for me. I used to found my power in singularity and keep moving on like I do not need any love from any human.
I used to be alone—and keep being strong in my loneliness.
And now, why can't I be a bitch again? Why can't I stand up tall again, why can't I being shiny again? Is there anything to stop me? No, there is nothing except my own eyes which keep seing flaws. So, why should I keep crying and moaning and begging for my fall?
No, I will not be a trash anymore; nor a wimp, nor nothing. I will rise again as Muhammad Akib Aryo Utomo, who walks in the earth with that eye-blinding confidence and toughness. I will be a bitch again; I will be able to say this again, easily, "Who needs any partner? We all can survive in our singularity."
This magnificently bad blogpost will be a reminder for me—that I have got to rise once more and keep moving on. A new year is going to come; and a new Muhammad Akib Aryo Utomo is going to shine.
So, beware, world; a bitch will march in your parade.
