Nineteen, A Review.

I have had the time of my life.

I travelled. I achieved things. I pursued my dreams. I met new people; made some new friends. I was having fun. Looking back, for the first time in the late three years, I had a time for myself. I rediscovered myself and rebuilt new dreams.

I went to Cirebon and South Celebes. I graduated. I became the MC for 4th SEASPF International Best Practices Conference for headmasters in ASEAN and Korea. I was accepted in my dream college. I became the third best graduate in my program. I finished my Boadicea project well. I saw the real fashion backstage for the first time. I became Lady Gaga in my prom and won the best costume. I spent a lot of time with my family. I did things for myself. I had fun.

And I think, I have changed.

Travelling and escaping the routines of my life, enjoying myself for a moment, totally gave me something. In the late three years I worked, almost 24 hours a day and 7 days a week. Then, it came to me a realization: I have been overworked. Yes, I was having fun; but still, I took no rest in pursuing my targets. Even though I achieved many things from those works I had done, I neglected so many other things. I forgot my need to relax; to enjoy my time with my friend, with my family... To simply just have fun and don't care.

So I took a break, and that was it... I simply have fun...

And now I am nineteen.

It is funny how those travels and have-funs were the ones which strucked me with this realization. I have to grow up. I am not a teenager anymore; I am going to take my first steps to become a young adult. I can't just following the flows of life, take things for granted, like life is merely a game, as I have no more excuses. Being an adult, I realized, is about treating your environment with responsibility. To deal with reality; to not solely dreaming. To take care of your life, your family, your friends.

Life is not going to be easier from this point. But I know I am not moving forward if I am just standing still in fright.

So I am taking my first steps. I will take the chances and risks ahead. I am ready to work hard, to study well; to achieve many more things and accomplished many more works. I am ready to start taking my responsibilties. I know that there will always a possibility that I failed in anything I will be doing in the future; but I know that it doesn't matter for now. What important is what I am doing in the present, and it is trying. And I am eager -- and willing -- to try.

So, hello, world, and hello, nineteenth. It is nice to meet you. You see, I am still green in this business, so I will need a lot of your help and cooperation in this business. Don't worry, I am as excited as you are to work in this matter. So be good to me and may God bless us.

Yogyakarta, July 15th, 2013.

2012.

I have so much to say for 2012.

As I look back, it had been one of the best year I have ever had. I had gone through a lot of moral transformation. There were so many events that taught me of how to be a full grown gentleman. I learned of patience; determination, focus, and hardwork; of love, loyalty, friendship. I found my true passion in 2012. I had made my decisions for my future. I found the true meaning of loving, and to be loved by so many people around me. In the end of the year, finally, God -- in His mysterious, illogical way of work -- remind me one single thing: that my family is the most precious thing I could ever ask for.

***

I became the chief director of school drama, Antigone. Talking about the performance would need more than just a post as this is the most important performance I have ever had. It summed up all the knowledge that I have learned for years in Jubah Macan theatre. Personally, without trying to put my friends' hardwork in vain, I finally got a chance to prove myself and to present my artistic visions, as more of an artist and less as a high school student.

More than that, the process of Antigone helped to found my true friends. My yearmates, the Padmanaba 68, and junios, the Padmanaba 69, had given me so much support, love, and even loyalty more than I could ever imagined. I would never made it without their help. There were so much love that them guys gave to me, even though I am a demanding person; and when my juniors called me 'Father' as an honourable nickname... I almost teared. I could not tell you, too, how it felt when the show was over and I looked at my yearmates' faces. It was our last show; a sad fact that probably most of us would never joined any show again in the future. Risa, who had been my working partner since we joined the theatre, hugged me in tears. I was, too, and we all were, as we were brokenhearted; yet relieved that finally, our last performance was done well.

It is not in my rights to give the final judgement. But without decreasing our respect to the audience; at the time, compliments nor critics didn't matter anymore. In the end, it was our show. I am totally blessed to be a part of it and to be given a chance to be its director.

At the end of the performance, joined the crowd of crews and casts

***

I became the class chief of my school's orientation for freshmen. It such an honour to be accepted as the committee; I think the best part is that I could know my juniors more, Padmanaba 69, and the new Padmanaba 70. I also joined a kind of pageant contest, here I will not talk about it.

The thing is, these things are almost a test for me. Being suddenly known by many people gave that certain stress, probably regarding my position which pressured to be good and all. I constantly felt that everyone put their eyes on me. For that, I have to keep behaving well and controlled. It was difficult as I always been an impulsive and spontaneous person. I never really cared of people's reaction to me; but then, I have stay cool everytime.

It was like, Gosh, now I know what Lindsay Lohan feels. I would not give any name for this phenomenon as I do not like any popular for this. But truly, to be on the map is a damn tough deal. Popularity, fame, celebrity, whatever you called it -- takes a lot to sacrifice and mostly, you will not like it. Being perfect everyday is exhausting as sometimes you just want to lose your head  Honestly, perfection is my obsession; but pressured to be perfect is a whole different thing.

Even until this very second, I still feel that pressure. It doesn't mean that I don't like the deal of being able to know a lot of people. But a test has to be done and I will do the deed. For good or for worst, I am totally grateful to God that he let me know the complexity of being known, so I can cope better in the coming years. At least, I understand -- and thank God I finally understand -- that shallow popularity is not a good thing; and that I will never ever chase any of it in the future.

***

And... I had an accident in late November.

I will not tell you about the accident as that is a kind of private story of mine and not for public. But I will tell you its effects. When I was in the hospital and my parents came... Surely it reminded me something that I had forgotten.

My relationship with my parents was very complicated in lately. High school taught me of freedom and independence: two concepts that I never really understand before. I have always been a spoiled brat. I lives such a comfortable life: my family never moved from our house even since I was born; my parents taught me well that so far I studied in one of the best schools in our town; and they take care of me well, very well, that they always have time to send me my lunch every school break, until today.

The sole reason of why my parents do that for me was because they loved me. But I must admit this, that sometimes I misunderstand their intentions and thus saw many of their actions as 'over-protecting'. When I was in the tenth and eleventh grade, I saw my friends seemed to be much more independent than I do. They drive themselves to the school, they join extracurricular things until late at night... Seemed to me that they were free.

Then, I rebelled. I struggled for myself. Trying to be objective in this case, I earned many good things for the struggle. My parents gave me my rights to decide my own life: they allowed me to take the Social subject in the eleventh grade, becoming the director of Antigone, to drive by myself, to come home late... I have my freedom. A pure, limitless freedom, where my parents let me do things that I want and not just thing that I have to do.

But I have to say that it also has a negative side. My relationship with my parents were strained. We had so many arguments about so many things. Yes, they said nothing and let me free; but sometimes, it was not because they agree with me; it was because they can do nothing. I have grown and they understand my needs as a teenager. But mostly they did not agree and I struggled... And we argued, too often, that silently, we both realized that I slowly parting away from them, and though it hurts a lot, none of us did anything because we thought it was how things should have happened...

Then I had an accident, and it was when I saw my parents came to the hospital, that I felt like God slapped me right in my face. I had an argument with my parents before the accident, but still, they came to me. I knew right away that it was because they loves me. I am their son and I always will be. No matter what things that I had done, they will always love, like they have done for eighteen years and they will still do until their death.
That night, God reminded me of how bad I had been as a son. God knows, we all knows, that it was for good; but yes, it costs something, and He made the accident to stop me taking more than what my parents and I have.

Since then, I tried to change. I try to love my family more... Love them better.  I am not telling you how because it is not something that you can tell about; is not something you can describe with words... My parents had given me my freedom, my independence; it is the time to pay back with responsibility. I do not regret any struggle that I did; it was necessary for a boy like me. But to other teenagers, who is also struggling for their independence from their parents, please remember one thing: that  one day, when you have achieved you independence, you have to prove that you deserve that and show your responsibility by loving them back, because they will always do.

***

As I looked back, many other events had happened in 2012, but maybe those three are what I will recount in my grey days.  Being an eighteen years old boy is tougher than I ever thought as it is the time that people will start looking at you as a grown up. I am reading Les Miserablés currently and -- along with the events I had gone through -- made me come to an understanding. I am not a boy anymore; I am a young man, taking my first steps for my older days. Every step have to be calculated well as it will affect more people. A fault and your future crumbles; a wise decision and the ladder goes higher.

I can only hope for 2013 to be wiser and better; to make less bad effects and create more good outcomes. May God be with me, and with us, in leading our actions to good.

Family Portrait | Taken September 2012

Someday, Today.

 One day, that "someday" will be "today". :') | Tweeted December 15th, 2012.

I won't lie. I never satisfied of things I have got and always wanted for more.

I just can not stand it. Everytime I see those photographs, pictures... it reminds me of how I wanted so much to be like them. I just can not stand it to feel envious everytime I see people achieve more than I do. Got their names credited in fashion photographs. Got their face printed on the magazine covers. Got their name headlined in a lifestyle magazine. Got their artwork published in the blog.

I want to be like these people I admire... These people, who accidentally, so close to me in the real life. Sering kehidupan kami bersinggungan dengan cara yang unik. Saya mengenalnya dan ia mengenal saya. Namun, kami berbeda. Mereka berhasil achieve many things that I would also like to do! Mengapa saya tidak? Apakah saya kalah dengannya?

I know I can do those things, too. But why couldn't I? Why didn't I get the chance?

Some people told me to be gratituous. Well I am being gratituous. For all the good things happened in my life: menjadi sutradara Antigone; diberi kesempatan siaran di Zona Pelajar dan bertemu so many great individuals; memiliki banyak teman di sekolah and have my voice listened; bisa mendesain secara profesional and being paid... (I am so sorry, but honestly I don't even try to brag). These are my achievements and I am totally thank God for giving me these.

But what is life if you only stucked in a place and never moving forward? Saya tidak akan berbohong. Saya juga ingin mencipta banyak hal. Make some paintings. Write some novels. Shoot some photographs.

Saya berpikir, masalah saya sekarang justru karena saya dream too big. I just read a line in a magazine, "Start simple, start small, but start now." While I don't know whether today is a good day to start. But do I have time? People keep telling me, "Study. Study. Study."... My bestie told me to be focused on the exam because there is no time; my teacher told me that I still have plenty of hours to make some art. Whom should I trust? 

Well, you can almost say, "It all depends on you. Can you do two things at once?" While I do not even know my ability. Could I? I need to be convinced. Because I want to start now. Orang-orang selalu berkata, mulailah selagi muda. Saya masih muda dan saya mau memulai. Saya hanya berharap diberi some courage to start today.

***

Resolution time: I need to convinve myself to be braver and take some risk. Well, maybe I will not found any empowerment from my friends, but I know I will have courage from God. To start, to progress, and to achive.

Let's make "today" becoming that "one day".