Confidence.

#np Lorde – “Royals”.

So let me give a description of the background. We have a perfect night currently; a sunny one that you could possibly have in a rainy season; and the rain was just stopped to let the fresh breeze in and make it a perfect walk-out-hang-out-and-have-fun night! And tonight is like the busiest Saturday night that you could ever imagine: a happening jazz concert is in town, and a party organized by my department, and an event by my faculty, and a Halloween celebration in my ex-high school... In general, everybody is going out.

But here I am, sitting in front of my laptop, next to a cup of coffee, by choice.

So what’s wrong with me? Aren’t I usually become one of those first persons to come in the most happening events (totally exaggerated LOL — ed.)? Why didn’t I come to any event held tonight, while there were chances? Why did I stay at home?

Mmm... To answer...

I have been through a difficult time lately, and a real tough one this week. It is all about that single basic problem that any sophomore face: the problem of coping. Once upon a time, there was a guy who went to college so excitedly. There he learned a lot of things and, poof, suddenly what he then received was not as exciting as what he had perceived. The fact that the world is not as beautiful as he had thought for nineteen years shaked his belief and ideals. Then, there he was, an agony of disappointment, which lived the rest of his life brokenhearted, in hatred and distrust.

I need not to say who this guy was as, even though the story is a little bit blown up and a little too simplified, he was too obvious to be addressed. But, put that story aside, I spent my first three months in college trying to put my shaking feet on this unwanted, stranger's land while insincerely forced to throw away the crumbs of my previous life. Sounds depressing? Yes indeed. The level of estrangement is so damn high that it devastates me every single day. I lived my days trying to put back what is left from my destroyed nineteen years as a foundation to stand in the bewildered present environment. But you can't build a pedestal from no pebbles and there I was, sunk on gravel and mud.

Enough said, there came today. This afternoon we had a pretty heavy rain which jeopardize my plan to go out tonight which then got cancelled (sigh). But my friends keep telling me in every possible media that they were going to have fun tonight and there I was just now, feeling so fucked up...

So I said to myself, fuck the world.

Looking back on my three months in college, what did I truly seek everytime I went to study? Whenever I went to an event? Whenever I joined an activity; whenever I put my makeup on and ensembled my clothes? What motivates me? To my shame, I had no pure, sincere, morally praiseworthy motivation. I don't know the hell purpose of every single thing that I did here. I compete not to achieve, but to defeat. I study not to learn, but to win. I wear clothes not to comfort, but to hear praises. I have fun not to enjoy, but to copy a lifestyle I see in popular pages. Moreover, to live a lifestyle now I am in -- the lifestyle of my friends.

I am not saying that my friends' lifestyle is negative or somewhat; the fact is, I was just not that kind of person. I used to have purpose for every single thing -- my own purposes.  I live a life of my own for myself. I used to study to learn; compete to achieve; wear good clothes because I like to and want to; and have fun because I have no problem to not having fun. To sum up, I used to live my life lively. My life was a real fun not because I made it look like I was having fun; I am having fun.  

And somewhere in the middle of what a good friend of mine call "growing up", I lost myself. I lost my identity, ironically, in the middle of rebuilding it, in a way to adjust, in the process of making an impression. I lost the values and purposes that brought me here; my crumbs had finally crumbled. And I don't like it. It didn't make me a good person or live a good life. It is not right because it is not me. I live somebody else's life. A very personal reason, but a very strong factor indeed.

Cut short, I realized the whole thing tonight. I had a conversation with my friend Dara (which write to Tumblr linked above) which came to this fruition: Why did I want to attend the jazz concert? Do I want it because I want it? Or just to follow the common? Will I attend it if anybody else are not there?

...No. I want it because my friends are attending. I want to attend because it will be cool to be there. Because society say that the essence of Saturday night is hanging-out-till-midnight-and-have-fun-till-it-isn't-fun-anymore. Not because you are curious of the event, or want to know how it all goes, or because you love it till your core and will die if you don't go. Not even close to any of morally better reasons.

Those are lame, pathetic, unworthy, stupid and dumb, hypocritical, mass-consumed and inconfident answer to hear, aren't they?

So here I am tonight, decided not to join any event just to make a sense that I am not following anyone. I am tired of being inconfident of myself. I want to sit here in front of my beloved laptop, write something down for my beloved readers; so who cares if my friends are enjoying a party and dancing towards music out there? We all have our ways to live. I have my way to live, and to breath, and to study, and to dress up, and to have fun. Well this is my way of having fun du jour so who give a fuck to what any other people do?

I am finally come to this realization that to truly live, we have to live our own live. It is not about being individual; it is about having purposes that you understand and agree on. I know I am not the smartest student in the class; not the brightest starlet in the scene; not the wisest leader in the hierarchy — I know I am 'a nobody' and that my friends are 'a person's. But let them be. I will study for my own's sake, because I want to know and not because I have to know; so the competiton is just an icing on the cake. I will start from zero, not riding red Ferraris like the others but my own personal white Prius, meanwhile catching pictures and stop at certain points to enjoy the scenery. I will live my own life and walk my own way. That is how I have lived for nineteen years and forgotten for these three months.

To be blunt, I have finally understand what my bestfriend Arnest said to me, "...that's why I am kinda confused of you now. You are the most confident person I have ever known, but now you are inconfident of even yourself..."

Life is about being confident.

So, hello, readers, I am finally write something down for you again. I have tried to sum up what I feel whole these weeks in the simplest and shortest way. Thank you for letting me share my story to you again; I do hope it will inspires you to certain point. Well if you don't, I am sorry and you have the right to leave this page soon.

"Cause we'll never be royals, it doesn't run in our blood... That kind of luxe is not for us, we live a different kind of buzz."

Well now I need a glass of water.

Yogyakarta, November 16th, 2013.