When I first written this post in August, it was made as a tribute to my fellow high-school friends whom then departed from my life. But then, when I opened this drafted post again now at the upcoming end of the year, I think it is a suitable time to bid farewell to more things behind.
If last year was about change, 2013 was about saying goodbye. I had said so many farewell to so many people and things around, whether it is physical or a more abstract substantive.
***
Maybe because I am still a student, I have always begun my year at the start of the schooling time -- July. I think that is a very good reason of why did I bid farewell a lot in this year. July was the time that I finally be released from the high school years. I had a prom that month, an ultimate sayonara of a high school student their friends.
Indeed, it was sayonaras.
Personally it is hard for me to write these coming words. I have found my best friends here in high school. Arnest my beloved dear bestie, with whom I had shared the deepest of my secrets and helped me through most of my most troubled times. Merlyn, whom since junior high school had truly become someone blood could never bound tighter. Risa, a very creative partner so great that I owe her many of my creative achievements; with whom I could never made them happen without. Ratih, of course, a lifelong bestfriend, there are no enough words to describe your enduring care for me; and Fitri, we have been together with Merlyn for almost six years! Bari, proudfully, and Luthfi, joyfully, you both are the truest brother I have ever had in my life; that I finally have in my life. Shafa, fate-given lifelong companion, and Nandut, my beloved, dearly little sister; persons I think had become the personification of word "true friends". Acha of the theatre; and Linda; my running-wild partners, to whom I share my heart and burdens. Christo, my dudest dude, and Kakak Daz, my raddest sis; we are a band of lost art devotees who wander the lush of the free-spirited world. Along with Christo are Farih, my bro and Burhan, my pal; these boys are those I want to hug the tightest and punch the hardest! And along with Risa came Dheru, my chief partner in Class Council, a vanguard company, a revolutionary comrade. Then of course my adorable guys in Zona Pelajar: Cici, Acil, Audi, Nino, Indonesians call us "teman seperjuangan", a parade of high school zero-to-hero, all-or-nothing experience; and of course, our mentor, sister, guidance, that we owe all the love and teachings, Kak Indira Bintang, my idol and role model. Mbak Santi, whom I never would have expected would be the one I spent courses, academic worriness, life wisdom, and future dreams with.
There were so many other figures that created who I am today. Why I gave these guy this shutout was because most of them are the ones who left my life then. How cruel life could be that many of those who wanders the furthest are my closest ones? These departing dears, who had carved their art and skill in my high school days, were now finally raise their own wings and flew away. Some went rather near, but the others took a faraway flight.
I was heartbroken -- I am heartbroken for the fact that these faces would be so rare to see then, that they no longer would be at my side as often as I would want; that they would leave me alone. At a certain point it made my college life more difficult. Coping with their absence in my daily activities took some time indeed. The loss was like a hole in my subconscious: I might not really felt it, but surely there was something missing, like the days I went through was never really complete.
***
One thing true about life: it is also about leaving. People will come and go in our lives. Nobody stays, not even ourselves: sometimes, it is us who have to leave these people we love the most. It is inevitable. We bid farewell to everything. Not only to our friends, relatives, acquintances; but also our personalities.
There is a Latin quote that I love very much: Tempora mutantur nos et mutamur in illis. Time changes, and we change within. The words, for me, sums up what mortality is all about. Life is about dynamics, transformations, changes. Naturally we grow from a helpless baby to a self-reliant adult. Once we couldn't even fawn; the next day we ran with our two feet. We had no idea what alphabets were; then we read a whole book in one night.
We learn then we change. We understand better things in life and we leave the bad habits behind. Once again, this is inevitable: the act of study give us a responsibility to be better. Therefore, we transform ourselves into a more ideal being. We walk away from our id and move forward towards superego. All is done to be a more humane human according to our ideals.
But there I forgot something: didn't I start from zero, too, in high school? I didn't come glorious there; I struggled and thrived to have my achievements. Why did I imagine the opposite would happen in college? As I looked back to the past, I found myself questioning every ideals I have in the present. What do I want? What I don't want?
All that questions eventually found their answers in this final month of 2013. This December, I found that many of my ideals then was no longer relevant now. I have changed. I have been through many experience that I no longer wanted things I used to desire so badly. I am a different person now, chasing different goals. My perspective, somehow, has broaden, so I learned to see things from views I used to despise; and my past is not so great now that I understand things. Thus I need to revolute myself; deliberate my soul from the hauntings of the past and thrive to be the ideal man I have always dreamed.
That made me realize that in order to change who I am, I need to let go of my past. I need to bid farewell. The very day has come for me to let go of who I have always been this nineteen years and embrace the new conception I desire now.
***
To let go is no of a simple thing. Sometimes, the only reason we stay is the memories. We know that those old good times have passed; they are no longer existed and impossible to maintain; but they are a symbol of glory days so we keep holding on to shadows. We stayed in the dark just to remind us that there was light.
I stayed in the murk of the past, on the memories of my departing dears, by the untenable psyche of my yesterday self -- and it was difficult as I am no longer living in the past, with them guys, as the old me. No matter how difficult it might be, I have to bid farewell and say goodbye to the passing days.
So here I am now, bidding farewell to every single thing in my departing dears: the friends and the self.
Dear fellows, hands to hold and shoulders to lean. I have not say any adequate goodbye to you all. I was afraid that once I bid my farewell, you all would be leaving me for reality and I would be left alone in the unforeseeable future. But now I realized it was not right: each of you are a great man, and a great woman, who needs a tribute for your magnificent contribution in my life. So I thank you for every single thing you have given me in the wondrous high school years. You all have been a friend yet a mentor at the same time. Through the goodness and badness of our joint days I learned; through the suffering tears and joyful laughs I grew. I might have not showed any proper gratitude during the crossing of our lives, but know that I love you with the fullness of my heart, and not a single act will properly comply to the aides you have given me all this time. I wish you a very much good lucks along your departure and journey. Like you do, I will now start a new page in my humble life, as a new person I wish you would be glad to meet again one day. Indeed I never know will our paths cross once more and God will let us to reconcile again somewhere in the future; but if we will not, you have to know that I have been more than glad to know you and more than proud to call you "friend". Still I wish we will meet again some time ahead, reminiscing our good old days while living our glory present time. You guys will forever be the ones I will always long to meet again.
Goodbye, my past. See you again, my friends. And farewell, my old self. I am ready to be born again.
Yogyakarta, December 29th, 2013.
